The Last Boy Scout

 

 

This 1991 masterpiece is an example of how you can have a good cast, crew, and director and still make a terrible movie.

In 1991, Bruce Willis was just becoming a bona fide movie star.  He had just competed Moonlighting, two Die Hard’s, two Look Who’s Talking’s, and a few flops thrown in for good measure.  He still had hair.  Damon Wayans was the second Wayans in a long line of Wayanses to appear on the big screen.  He was one of the stars of In Living Color and had a few minor roles on his resume, including voiceover work with Willis on Look Who’s Talking Too.  He was poised to become a star and he managed to, even after this movie.  Halle Barry is also in the film, for a few minutes as are a strong cast of supporting actors. Willis plays his one dimensional character well, and Wayans isn’t bad.  Actually, everyone in the movie does fine with their roles since they’re all playing caricatures as opposed to characters.

Tony Scott had directed several successful films and had been working with established stars for years.  It’s surprising and disappointing to see how poorly made this movie is. Most notable are some bizarre cuts, which jarringly move the film from one stupid scene to another. What really drags this movie down, however, is the terrible plot and the ridiculous scenes that take place in it.  I think the movie was targeting young males who wouldn’t take even a moment to think about what they were seeing on-screen, and to cashing in on the popularity of the NFL.  It’s really, really stupid and the beginning and ending scenes insult the intelligence with some of the most preposterous events ever to be filmed on a football field.


Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17 | Chapter 18 | Chapter 19 | Chapter 20 | Comments


Chapter 1: 0:01-7:27

The opening movie credits roll into the mock credits of a Friday night football game.  The game in the movie resembles the opening of then ABC’s Monday Night Football, complete with a singer and opening song similar to Hank Williams Jr.and his “Are You Ready For Some Football”, which had just become intro for MNF.  The game is between the L.A. Stallions and the Cleveland Cats.  They are playing in a torrential downpour and the Stallions are down at halftime, 17-10.  The game is in Cleveland.

While the Stallions’s coach yells at his team for their poor play, a member of the team’s staff tells a player, Billy Cole (Billy Blanks), that he has a phone call on line 3.  Cole takes the call and a man named Milo tells him that there is a lot of money on the game and that he needs to score more touchdowns or he’s done.  Billy hangs up, goes to the bathroom, and takes a few pills.

The announcing team talks about the game. Then the scene shifts to the sidelines, where Lynn Swann talks to the Stallions’s owner.  Swann asks about the low attendance for the game and if there are any heroes left in football.  The owner says that Billy Cole is having the game of his life.

The Stallions sack the Cats’s QB and force a fumble, which they recover.  They take over possession with less than two minutes on the clock, at the Cats’s 47-yard line.  Cole enters the game with the offense and receives a pass.  After he catches it, he runs through three players, and then pulls a gun out of his pants and shoots three more players on his way to the end zone.  The crowd panics, police come onto the field and Cole drops to his knees and says “Ain’t life a bitch?” before shooting himself in the side of the head.

Analysis

Oh hell yeah! Right out of the gate with the crazy.  The intro for the football is interesting and they did a good job of replicating the MNF theme and opening.  They made some errors, such as using a college football, with the half white stripe on the ends, while the in-game ball has no stripes. Maybe there was a controversial change in the ball mid-season.  The game action is kept to a minimum for obvious reasons and that’s fine.  But once we see Billy Blanks, the magic happens.

Billy Blanks hadn’t started his Taebo career yet, he was essentially a B-movie action star based on his martial arts prowess and apparent friendship with some guy named Jalal Merhi.  I swear, look it up.  Anyhow, he was as fit in 1991 as he is now, maybe fitter, but he looks like he’s wearing his father’s football jersey. This is supposed to be a movie about a professional football league, not Pop Warner.  Why are his sleeves so long?

While Cole is in the visiting locker room, somehow he gets a call from an ominous person who is obviously betting on the game and trying to influence the outcome.  These are terrible criminals because they are trying to fix the score of a game using only one player who is only going to be playing 40% of the time and will only be involved in maybe 50% of the plays when he’s on the field.  If they could bribe a defensive player, like a cornerback, to allow TD’s, then they’d have something.  Or, if they bribed the quarterback or an offensive lineman to score fewer points, that would make sense.  How do they expect the running back, who is in no way controlling how often he touches the ball, to score more because they threaten him?

Also, why are these criminals telling Cole to win the game? Wouldn’t he already be trying to score touchdowns?  Point-shaving in gambling works the other way, where you pay a player to under-perform. The implication is that Cole is taking money from some shady characters who are betting on the games.  But if all they are telling him to do is play better, and I were the coach of a team, I’d have the shady characters call and threaten all my players. This is assuming it worked – which it wouldn’t.

Why does the Stallions’s coaching staff allow players to talk on the phone instead of listening to the halftime discussion?  There is another player on the phone while Billy Cole is being threatened by Milo.  To whom is he talking? The Cleveland Cats are smart to put a phone bank in the visiting locker room to distract opposing players from paying attention to half time adjustments! After that call, Cole’s taking drugs while the rest of the team is out preparing for the second half.

I like the fake Jerry Jones character, but I wonder why Lynn Swann and Dick Butkus are on the announcing team.  Did they play for some fictional football team in this movie world, before moving into the booth?  They are recognizable NFL players but obviously not in whatever league this is.

The owner says Billy Cole is having the game of his life, but if that’s so, then why does his team only have ten points?  Billy must not be a very important part of their offense if his best game only includes one touchdown. Maybe he kicked the field goal, too.

Billy Cole apparently scores no points in the 3rd and most of the 4th quarter, judging by the game score, and is probably worried by now.  Luckily, the Cleveland Cats are a poorly coached team.  Up by seven with two minutes to go, at home, in an unrelenting rain storm (which might be the reason for the low attendance), on the other team’s side of the field, they decide to drop back for a pass.  They deserve to lose.  Just run the ball, then punt.  Your defense hasn’t given up a point all half – let them win the game for you!  Instead, there’s a sack, a fumble, and now the Stallions are in business.

The ensuing play, the Stallions throw the ball to Cole and we see why the coach decided against punting.  His team can’t tackle for shit with less than two minutes in the game.  They’re also playing one hell of a prevent defense with at least six guys back in the secondary.  Cole runs through three of them who make no effort to wrap him up, instead just throwing their bodies at him while taking terrible tackling angles.  Apparently, the Cats’s number 57 is supposed to be a better defensive player, in Cole’s mind, even though he’s not bothering to run to the ball and is instead just jittering in place, waiting for Cole to run him over.

Ah but Cole has a trick up his sleeve, or pants. He pulls out a gun and shoots number 57 then nails two other guys.  This is so absurd; I have to break it down into a few aspects.

First, Cole is remarkably accurate with the weapon.  He’s firing it one-handed, in the rain, while jogging and shooting at moving targets, and he’s not even using the sights.  He scores three hits on three shots.  He may not be having the football game of his life, but I’m willing to bet that’s the best shooting display of his life.

The second crazy part of this: how does he manage to have time to shoot those guys?  Anyone who has watched a professional football game knows that if you have the ball and you jog, as Cole is doing, you will be mauled by the entire defense.  Defensive players swarm to the ball with an intensity and mania that is mind-boggling.  Then again, we see that the Cats’s defense in the last two minutes consists of less than ideal defensive tactics.

Third, why are these guys standing upright, waiting to be shot?  They should be frantically running towards the other teams “star” player who is racing downfield for an apparent game winning touchdown.  Instead, they’re just standing there like targets in a shooting gallery.  The other option is to run like hell in the other direction because this gunman just shot a few of their teammates.  Why are they still in the field of play, sort-of-trying-to-tackle Cole?

Here’s the real question: how did Cole get the gun into the game?  Did he plan on using the gun in the game and bring it with him from LA?  Did he buy the gun in Cleveland?  Does he keep a gun in his bag that he brings to the stadium all the time?  Let’s assume that somehow, for some reason, he has the gun in the opposing team’s locker room.  How does he get it on to the field with no one noticing?  Did he jam it in his pants and keep it there the entire game, Plaxico Burress style?  We’re supposed to believe Cole played almost an entire game of football with a semi-automatic handgun jammed down his pants?  Didn’t someone see it and say “Hey, Billy, is that a gun in your pants or are you just happy to s…oh shit, that is a gun!”?  Didn’t he get tackled once in the game prior to him brandishing the firearm?  How could the tacklers not feel a gun, or it not come loose while he’s being tackled, or blocking, or running?  The other alternative is that he stashed it somewhere on the field and then grabbed it before that final drive and they didn’t show it on camera and no one noticed the starting running back reaching into the Gatorade cooler and jamming something into his pants.

The reaction in the stadium is great.  The fans panic, and I think that’s a good call.  There’s a man with a gun shooting people on the field.  What I don’t understand is where the police with the shotguns come from.  Why are there police officers with shotguns at a football game?  Furthermore, why are they just watching him?  How about pointing your shotguns at him and demanding he drop the weapon?

Is it possible that Milo made a prop bet on the game that a Stallions player would shoot a Cats player?  What would be the odds on that?

This is still a brilliant opening scene.  It combines two of America’s favorite things: Football and solving problems with firearms.

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Chapter 2: 7:28 – 16:45

The main characters are introduced.  Private Investigator Joseph Hallenback (Bruce Willis) is shown sleeping in his car outside of a house.  Three teenage boys spot him and throw a dead squirrel into his car.  When he does not wake, they try to remove his watch.  He then stirs, brandishes a revolver, and the kids run off.  Next, he is shown in his office, receiving a phone call from another PI, Mike, regarding surveillance of an exotic dancer.

The scene shifts to Jimmy Dix (Damon Wayans) in bed next to a woman.  He curses, smokes a cigarette, and leaves the room.  Outside, there is a large man in a pool forcing a woman underwater.  Jimmy tells the man to let her go, and the man says he won’t until the woman fellates him.  The man asks why Jimmy is even “there”, as it is a “league party”, and Jimmy was kicked out of the league.  Jimmy picks up a football, throws it, and hits the man in the face.  The man lets the woman go while his nose bleeds and Jimmy reminds him he has the strongest arm in the national league.

Joe returns home and speaks to his wife.  She is concerned about their daughter and the two argue about the amount of make-up their daughter wears.  Joe goes to the restroom and notices the toilet seat.  He returns to the bedroom and asks his wife who is in the closet.  She denies someone being there and he lays out the reasons why he thinks someone is.  He threatens to shoot through the door and Mike comes out before Joe fires.  Joe vents to the adulterous couple before shooting a picture on the dresser.

Analysis

The first scene with Willis shows us that his character is a down-on- his- luck guy.  He apparently sleeps in his car and he carries a revolver.  Otherwise, I have no idea why that scene is there.  I guess to show he’s having a rough time?  It does allow Willis to look into the mirror and deliver the anti-Stuart Smalley speech.  I guess Al Franken’s seminal character was big at that time and it was a cheap laugh. I don’t understand why his office is a house and yet he lives in another house with his wife and daughter, yet sleeps in his car.

Damon Wayans’s character, Jimmy Dix, is shown to be similarly disillusioned with his life, although we see him waking up next to a beautiful woman, and then walking out to a very nice pool at a large house.  Life can’t be that bad.  Oddly, he’s at a party for the league.  This is odd for a number of reasons.

  1. It is apparently taking place in the morning.
  2. There are only 3 people there, 4 if you include the woman in the bed with Jimmy.
  3. What kind of league has house parties that are officially sanctioned?
  4. We can safely assume that this is the same football league that just had an on-field shooting of players by another player, and yet they’re throwing a party.

But we learn all we need to know about Jimmy.  He was in the league, he was kicked out, he has a strong arm, and he doesn’t like it when people drown women while trying to force them to perform oral sex.  Now, he apparently would be fine with that act of sexual assault if the woman were not in danger of drowning, or if it weren’t in the morning.  He doesn’t say “Ray, what you’re doing is a felony.  It’s rape and I’m now a witness and I’m going to call the police.”  Instead he throws a football at the guy and then shoos the girl out of the pool and on her merry way.

Then we see Joe’s home life. What a wreck.  The wedded duo cycles through all the clichés of an unhappily married couple, complete with a total disregard for each other’s feelings.  Joe comes in, barely says “hi”, doesn’t kiss or hug his wife, dismisses a very disturbing picture that his daughter drew, and promptly reloads his revolver.  Then he goes to the bathroom and we see how smart Joe really is.  He deduces that his wife has another man in the closet because the mirror in the bathroom is still steamed and the toilet seat is up.  He should expect his wife is cheating on him since he’s such an asshole, not just because of the state of the bathroom. He chose to sleep in his car instead of telling his wife he was done early with a job in Vegas, and returning home.  Once he gets there, he’s disinterested in his daughter and cracks wise with his wife.  Of course, she is equally rude, but he did start it.  As the scene progresses, we see the first of the bad cuts.  Joe puts his cigarette out in the toilet, checks under the bed, and then talks to his wife.  She goes to the closet and then we see Joe smoking another cigarette!  And what emotion is Bruce Willis trying to display in that scene?

Since Mike knows that Joe is back from Vegas, why is he sitting at Joe’s house?  Didn’t he expect Joe to go home to bitch at his wife?  How could they be surprised that Joe was home early?  Mike took the steps of hiding his car somewhere and being sure that Joe doesn’t have caller ID so he couldn’t see that Mike was calling Joe from Joe’s house. Mike must have suspected something from Joe.  Clearly Mike is not a detective on a level with Joe.

Joe must not be aware of any state laws, as he threatens to fire a handgun into a closet where he believes someone is hiding.  That’s all kinds of murder.  When Mike comes out, we think maybe Joe was bluffing about pulling the trigger.  Instead, he fires a round through a family photo.  This is incredibly irrational and dangerous.  This scene should immediately be followed by the police arresting Joe.  How could his wife allow this lunatic to live in the same house with their daughter?

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Chapter 3:  16:45-19:52

Joe walks out of the house with Mike.  They talk, Joe punches Mike in the gut, and then Joe asks for the address of the surveillance job.  Mike gives Joe a flyer with a picture of the dancer on it and walks to his car.  When Mike starts his car it explodes.  Joe and his wife talk to the police then argue about why she had the affair.  Joe leaves to start his next investigation.

Analysis

Just to recap, in the previous chapter we saw Joe bust Mike in the closet of his wife’s bedroom, right after Mike had had sex with Joe’s wife.  Joe threatened to shoot him through the closet door, then pointed a loaded firearm at his face, and finally discharged said firearm into a wall.  And the next thing we see is them calmly walking across the lawn.  What is the revenge Joe exacts?  He lets Mike choose where he will punched, and then punches him. Mike and Joe have a seriously messed up friendship.

Then Mike walks to his car, which was PARKED ACROSS THE STREET FROM JOE’S HOUSE!  How brazen is that?  I previously said he had hidden his car, but no, it was right there for Joe to see.  Who needed all the shower, toilet seat mumbo jumbo.  How about “I know Mike’s in the closet because his Mustang is parked in front of our house!”?

Mike’s car explodes, which means someone must have placed the bomb under the car while it was parked in front of Joe’s house.  So, Mike either spent the night or he arrived that morning. If he spent the night, no one in the neighborhood noticed someone messing with the Mustang out on the curb.  No one saw any lights under the car, or maybe the bomber can see in the dark.  Or, the bomb was planted during the day and no one saw it being affixed. Regardless, so long Mike.

Of course, Joe is uninjured in the blast.  In fact, he is entirely unscathed.  Somehow the tennis ball he threw, that was being retrieved by the dog, was set aflame and sent slowly bouncing against the curb, but old Joe wasn’t even singed.  His T-shirt looks like it just came out of the wash, his hair isn’t mussed and the shrubs he fell in are perfect.  The only casualty appears to be his car, which he parked in front of his house earlier, yet is mysteriously absent from the shot of him lying in the bushes.  Scenes like this make you wonder if this is supposed to be a comedy.  They spend money on burning and filming the tennis ball but couldn’t make it look like Joe was standing across the street from a huge explosion?  Look at that explosion! It lifts that one ton car off the ground.  Joe was merely thrown to the ground.  He avoided the blast wave, the heat, and the fire.  He appears to have no damage from the concussive force, and his hearing isn’t even affected.  Although, in defense of his hearing, he fired a gun in a small room and that didn’t seem to bother him either.

Then he is so nonchalant it has to be a gag.  Either that or he’s in shock.  “Somebody wired the car.” he says.  Ya think, Joe?  Maybe it was you!  You did just fire a live round inside your house and you knew the guy was nailing your wife.  Luckily, he didn’t tell this to the police, and the police didn’t see fit to interview his wife.  She seems worried that Joe told them about the infidelity, when she should have run out and told them about Joe firing a gun in the house. Why didn’t the police interview her?  She was the second person on the scene!

When Joe’s wife asks him his opinions about the explosion, he is a total asshole.  Hey, Joe, you fired a gun at your wife, her lover just died in a car bomb that blew up across the street, and when she asks about it you give her yet another smart ass answer. No wonder she’s cheating on you.  Certainly, spousal infidelity usually gives you the moral upper hand, but being an asshole is a big contributing factor to infidelity. Firing a gun in someone’s bedroom is near the top of Mazlow’s Hierarchy of Asshole.

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Chapter 4: 19:52 – 25:13

Joe goes to the strip club to meet with his client, Cory, who is Jimmy’s girlfriend.  While Cory dances, Jimmy and Joe have a discussion in which Jimmy asks Joe why he was hired.  Joe doesn’t tell Jimmy anything, but instead mocks Jimmy’s history of being kicked out of the league for gambling and alleged drug use.  After their exchange, Jimmy grows angry and tries to punch Joe.  Joe catches his fist and forces him to the ground.  Jimmy takes Cory off of the stage.

Analysis

Not much to see here.  Aside from the impossibly macho exchange, there isn’t much wrong with this.  For once, Joe’s sarcastic personality seems somewhat appropriate as he tries to deflect Jimmy’s aggression while maintaining confidentiality.  Of course, he can’t go too long without being a jerk, bringing up Jimmy’s troubled past for the audience and goading him into a fight.  The punch is funny, as it looks like Jimmy is trying to punch something off of Joe’s left shoulder.  I do wonder, though, why Joe was hired to watch and, we assume, protect Cory but he allows an obviously angry and violent (and possibly drug-using) boyfriend to drag her out of her place of work against her will.  Did he ever think that she was in need of protection from her violent, angry boyfriend?  Good body-guarding Joe!

I also question why Cory has Jimmy there to watch.  Part of a dancer’s cache is that maybe, just maybe (i.e. never) she’ll go home with you.  Having a very famous person, who is also your boyfriend, sitting around really kills that vibe.  It must cut into her tips.

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Chapter 5: 25:14 – 31:45

Joe waits out in the alley, drinking and looks at a giant billboard of a man running for office.  He has a momentary flashback of himself in a suit outside a door while a woman screams from the other side.  He looks at the other man working with him then the scene shifts to the present where Joe throws his bottle at the billboard.  He bends over to pick up a cigarette and is hit in the back with a stick.  Five men talk to each other, deciding to move Joe and kill him, even though “the contract was for the girl”.  Joe uses jokes to distract the man who is supposed to kill him, and then stabs him with a broken bottle.

Cory and Jimmy have a moment where she says she has a present for his birthday – she’ll get him back in the League.  Cory and Jimmy exit the club and Cory wants to wait for Joe, but Jimmy convinces her he can protect her and says he’ll follow her home.  On the way, a car rams into the back of Cory’s car.  She stops to talk to the driver, while Jimmy is behind her, stopped at a red light.  She steps out of the car and is shot by the men who attacked Joe earlier.  Jimmy drives up to help and Cory’s attackers start shooting at him.  He hides behind the car and Joe runs in from the alley and shoots most of the bad guys.  Jimmy kills the last bad guy by driving his car into him and the police show up.

Analysis

We first see some foreshadowing about Joe’s past (would that be aftshadowing?) while he looks at the billboard.  I wonder who the campaign coordinator is for this politician because it seems to me that putting a giant billboard in the alley behind a strip club is not going to reach a lot of voters.  It will reach terrible PI’s, however.  Joe seems to have a background in protection (spoiler alert, he does) and yet he let some guy drag the woman who hired him to protect her off the stage and now he is just waiting for her to walk out.  Also, how does he not notice five dudes walking into the alley?  That must have been one very strong flashback for him.

After the bad guys bludgeon Joe, they decide to kill him somewhere else.  However, all they do is have one guy march him a block away.  How is that going to make a difference?  Joe has a couple of good lines about the guy’s wife, which makes you wonder how often he has been held at gun point.  Maybe he’s just preternaturally cool, or drunk, or perhaps he compensates for fear with humor.  Well, it works because this guy apparently hasn’t heard some of the oldest, most tired “yo momma” jokes ever and he laughs uproariously at them. Didn’t the hitman go to middle school? Why he doesn’t just murder Joe and be done with it I don’t know.  I also can’t understand why he is so close to Joe.  It’s a movie cliché but it drives me nuts.  The point of a gun is to be able to hit someone from far away.  Why walk right up on him and lose that advantage?

Jimmy says he can protect Cory and immediately does not.  Why she agrees to forego Joe’s protection (for which she paid) in lieu of Jimmy’s, makes no sense.  She obviously felt Jimmy wouldn’t be up to the job, hence the PI.  Jimmy showed that he can’t even land a punch on Joe, while Joe was sitting down.  He seems like he would not be a good option to protect her.

The hit is not bad, but certainly not perfect.  For one thing, the editing is poor again.  Jimmy is right behind Cory in the alley.  Then they cut to the street as she is pulling out of the alley and he’s roughly three car lengths behind her.  The idea of getting her to pull over by hitting her car is solid, but if that was the plan, why did the attackers care about Joe standing in the street?  Why not just stay in the car the whole time and perform a drive by?  They shoot Cory with no messing around, though.

Jimmy is awfully brave to drive up to a couple of guys with assault rifles and get out of his car (after telling Cory not to do that very same thing) but he knew something she didn’t.  Her Corvette is bulletproof.  Look at all those bullets just bounce off the paint job.  AK-47 rounds fired from maybe 15 feet away just bounce off the hood leaving not even a scratch!  That’s some miracle wax!  Then Joe comes running up and starts shooting the bad guys.  I won’t go on another tangent about how difficult it is to shoot while running, or while using two weapons because I addressed it somewhat in the first chapter. It’s another movie cliché. Suffice to say, no one – I don’t care who it is no one – can shoot accurately while running and firing two weapons at the same time.

Jimmy uses the commotion to get back into his car and ram a bad guy.  More bad editing.  When he parks his car, he’s right by Cory’s Corvette.  Then he drives roughly 100 feet, through some fog, and rams the hitman.  Did he back up before ramming the car?  The surviving hitmen run off – I guess they were out of ammo – or they knew the police were coming.  Because the police damn sure were coming.  They arrived two minutes after the initial strike on Cory’s car, and it wasn’t just one police car in the area that heard the shots.   The police show up in force, coming from all directions, and yet they do not notice the fleeing hitmen.  Maybe there’s a place with free coffee for the police nearby, and the cops had just finished coffee and turned on their cars when the shots rang out.  Or, the strip club is right by the precinct HQ.

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Chapter 6: 31:46-36:50

At the LAPD police station, Joe and Jimmy sit next to each other while the police discuss Joe’s statement.  LAPD Lieutenant Bessalo thinks Joe wasn’t entirely truthful and tells his co-worker that Joe is more than he seems – he once saved the President’s life.  The Lt. says they can go, but warns Joe that the Bel Air Police Deptartment has said that Senator Baynard has been receiving obscene phone calls.  The Lt. tells his partner that Baynard had Joe fired from the US Secret Service.

Jimmy and Joe talk about what happened to Cory.  Joe thinks it’s a professional hit and that Mike gave him the job because he knew it was dangerous and Joe might die, thus freeing his wife for Mike.  Jimmy asks about Joe being fired from the Secret Service and there is a cut scene where Joe punches the Senator. who is flogging a woman.  Jimmy asks what the next move is and Joe doesn’t want Jimmy to join him.  Eventually, Joe relents and they head to Cory’s house.

Analysis

This is mostly background for Joe.  We see that he’s not just some deadbeat because the police respect him.  Hollywood often plays fast and loose with police procedure but this is particularly bad.  First, why would they let the two witnesses sit together to talk about what just happened?  Everyone knows you separate the witnesses so they can’t pollute each other’s statements.  Then they give Joe his gun back?  That’s evidence! Sorry, Joe, you’ll get it back once we complete our investigation of the shooting of several hitmen out in the street as well as a shot you fired in your wife’s bedroom.

Its also unclear why the Bel Air PD would be investigating threats against a senator – that would be either the US Capitol Police or the FBI.  Even if the Senator stupidly called the Bel Air PD, why would they, in turn, call the LAPD?  “Hey, we got a call about something that isn’t in our jurisdiction.  We just thought we’d let you know since it isn’t in your jurisdiction either”.

Last, why was Joe as a Secret Service agent hanging around a Senator?  The Secret Service is the Executive Branch  of government, while the Senate is Legislative.  Separation of powers dictates that no executive branch law enforcer can protect a legislator or a Supreme Court Justice.  The only exception is once someone receives matching funds as a presidential candidate. Along the separation of power lines, how does Baynard, as a US senator, get to fire a decorated Secret Service agent? Joe doesn’t even work in Baynard’s branch of government. Really, Baynard is the vulnerable one in that scenario.  Any mention of that event, by Joe or the woman, to the press would ruin Baynard.

The conversation between Joe and Jimmy rushes them into sudden and inexplicable teamwork. I don’t know why Jimmy thinks he’s going to do better job investigating Cory’s murder than the police.  Perhaps he majored in Homicide Investigation in college. Joe thinks it was a professional hit on Cory, even though it was incredibly amateurish.  The hitmen didn’t disguise themselves, there were five of them, and they were thwarted by an ex-quarterback and a PI.  But Joe is concerned, and when Jimmy asks what‘s next Joe tells him he’s going home.  Makes sense.  Joe tells him he’s going home, but then some police officer mistakes Jimmy for a drug dealer; Joe does a complete 180, and now he decides he’s going to investigate the killing himself – without Jimmy.  Jimmy convinces Joe he needs him to enter Cory’s apartment because of the security system he installed.  Maybe he double majored in Homicide Investigation and Security Installation.  Either way, it makes you wonder what they expect to find at Cory’s place except for the LAPD who are ALREADY INVESTIGATING THIS MURDER! And, for the rest of the movie, these two strangers are now fully committed to running a shadow investigation into a murder.

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Chapter 7: 36:51 – 42:10

Joe and Jimmy go to Cory’s apartment building and Joe comments on how nice it is.  Jimmy says he paid the rent.  They make it to the door and Jimmy kicks it in.  When they enter, Joe tells Jimmy not to touch anything but the apartment has already been ransacked.  Jimmy reminisces over photos of him and Cory, and Joe finds a picture of Cory and a man whom Jimmy identifies as Shelly Marcone , the owner of the LA Stallions, for whom he played.  Cory used to date Marcone.  Jimmy goes into the bathroom and finds a capsule with photos and a cassette tape.

Joe and Jimmy look at the photos, depicting in them are Marcone and Baynard, along with a copy of phone records showing several calls to Baynard’s home. Joe thinks it might be blackmail material. They play the cassette tape in Joe’s car, but Jimmy is impatient and when he presses fast forward, the cassette player eats the tape.  Jimmy realizes Cory was blackmailing Marcone to get Jimmy back in the League and he feels bad.  He decides to go home and refuses a ride from Joe, instead choosing to take Cory’s car.

Analysis

We all knew that Jimmy didn’t really know how to get around a security system, and Joe should have also.  What is surprising is that Jimmy doesn’t even have a key.  He is paying Cory’s rent and dating her, but he doesn’t have a key? Joe tells Jimmy not to touch anything so as not to mess things up for the police, in a show of intelligence that is too late for the now-kicked-in door, then he immediately starts touching everything, without gloves.  He even decides to take evidence of motive out of the domicile rather than notify the police.  Let’s count what goes wrong here.

  1. With the door broken in, Joe has to tell the police what happened or they’ll assume that someone broke in by force, which wasn’t the case until Jimmy kicked in the door.  This will interfere with the investigation and justice for Cory.
  2. The people who ransacked the apartment opened the door without leaving a sign of forced entry, and then decided to lock the door behind them, even though they left the place in shambles.  Why bother?
  3. Jimmy and Joe absolutely contaminate the crime scene by moving objects, putting their fingerprints on things, and removing items from the abode.  Way to think about the investigation, Joe.  Jimmy would have good reason for his fingerprints to be at Cory’s place, and they probably already are.  However, how is Joe going to explain his prints being there?
  4. Where the hell are the police?  How did the bad guys AND Jimmy and Joe beat them to Cory’s apartment?
  5. Where’s the media?  There was a shootout on the street in LA, with automatic weapons, car crashes, and four  people dead. It involved the former quarterback of the local football team, and his girlfriend one of the murder victims.  There should be reporters all over the place.
  6. How is blackmailing one owner in a league going to get Jimmy back in the League?  Wouldn’t the other owners object?
  7. If Joe is so upset about Baynard and wants to bring him down, why does he risk the tape in his shitty cassette player?  Why doesn’t he CALL THE POLICE?
  8. For that matter, how long did they wait in the car to play the tape?  It was daylight when they walked out of Cory’s and night time when they started playing the tape. Editing!
  9. If Cory has two cars (a classic Mustang and a classic Corvette, mind you) and Jimmy is paying her rent, why was she still stripping? I guess she really liked it.

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Chapter 8: 42:11 – 45:29

Joe realizes Cory has two cars and he stops Jimmy from starting the one that is parked in front of the apartment building.  Joe spots a block of C4 under the hood and states that that was how Mike’s car was wired.  Joe puts the C4 in his trunk and they are approached by two men, one armed with a gun. One of the men demands “the envelope” from Cory’s apartment but Jimmy and Joe equivocate.  After being hit several times, Joe says the information is in the trunk of his car.  He throws the keys away and one of the men tells the other to open the trunk.  The man with the gun shoots the trunk, causing the C4 to explode and kill the two goons.  Joe and Jimmy jump into a ditch and are safe.  Joe tells Jimmy to leave and agrees to take the heat as the police arrive.

Analysis

If it is Marcone and Baynard who are behind all the goons, and they really are so powerful in California, they need to spend more money on goons.  These goons are terrible.  How did they not find the tape and photos when they searched the place? Why did they put bombs on Mike’s Mustang and Cory’s Mustang, but not the Corvette (which she was driving when they shot her)?  Did they only have enough C4 to blow up two cars? Do they hate Fords?  If, according to Joe, they wired Mike’s car the same as Cory’s, why did Mike’s car blow up from the bottom and not the engine block where the explosives were in Cory’s car? And how did Joe know how Mike’s car was wired?

The goons are awfully ballsy, however.  They brandish a pistol and hold two guys at gun point – one of them, remember, a famous local athlete – right on the street in front of an apartment complex!  How fortunate they are that no one noticed.  At least they weren’t disarmed by Joe’s bad jokes.  However, they seem to think that you can open the trunk of a car by shooting it.  Has that ever worked, anywhere, ever?  Also, they are using some sort of bizarre new C4, which can be ignited by being struck by a bullet.  C4 is so popular because it is extremely stable and does not explode easily.  You have to have an initiator, a smaller explosive like a blasting cap, to make the chemical reaction in order elicit the explosion from the C4.  Maybe the goon’s gun was loaded with blasting caps, which might explain why he thought it would open the trunk.

In keeping with his sometime desire to help the police, Joe says the police can figure out the wiring of the C4 in of the car, but he then decides to take the evidence with him.  Hey Joe, how about you call the police to let them know they need to show up immediately?  Why would you haul explosives around?  Where the hell are you going to take them?  Call the police immediately!  Hell, call the FBI, ATF, or one of your friends at the Secret Service.  If you’re so keen to see Baynard and Marcone put in jail, why does you keep tampering with the evidence?

Jimmy is an awfully cool customer, or he has total faith in Joe.  We’ve seen Joe be entirely (albeit unrealistically) unconcerned with people dying around him or things exploding.  Why is Jimmy not scared when someone points a gun at him?  This person with a gun is someone who is obviously affiliated with people who planted at least two car bombs, gunned down his girlfriend in the street, and physically attacked him.

The police again arrive less than a minute after an explosion.  The LAPD response time is awesome!

Jimmy doesn’t have a key to Cory’s apartment, for which he’s paying, but he has a key to her car.

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Chapter 9:   45:30 – 55:20

At the LAPD police station, Joe is berated by Lt. Bessalo who tells him to stay out of the investigation. However, another detective tells Joe he respects what Joe did for the President.  Jimmy is waiting outside the station to pick Joe up.  He convinces Joe that they need to find more evidence that Marcone and Baynard were up to something, and are responsible for Cory’s death.  Jimmy drives Joe home in Cory’s Mustang.

At Joe’s house, Jimmy tries to talk to Joe’s daughter, Darian, but she is rude to him.  Joe talks with Darian, but they end up fighting and cursing at each other until Joe’s wife enters the room and takes Darian away.  Jimmy and Joe have a discussion about Joe’s marriage and Jimmy’s ex-wife and son.

Analysis

The police station scene is at once both not enough and too much.  The police aren’t taking nearly enough action against Joe. He’s been a material witness to three separate homicide scenes in the span of less than 48 hours.  They should be upset that he continues to withhold information and conduct a private investigation that keeps resulting in dead people.  They should also demand he turn over any information or evidence he may have (although, why he wouldn’t do so willingly is still unknown).  They could arrest him for interfering in an investigation or breaking and entering, and they definitely could hold him for further questioning in the murders of six people in the last two days. Instead, they tell Joe to go about his business, yet before he does, the Lt. has to be tough and threaten to kill Joe by shooting him in the head. That’s right:  rather than threaten to arrest and/or detain Joe, the Lt of the LAPD Homicide Division threatens to kill a witness. Now, I think maybe Joe needs to press charges.

Jimmy is either really stupid or really brave.  He was almost killed a mere hours before, and now he wants to keep going with a private investigation.  Jimmy is right outside the (palatial) police station.  He can and should simply walk in there and say, “Hey, I have some information on the killing of my girlfriend.”  What does he plan on doing with the information he’s gathering?  Doesn’t he want the bad guys put in jail?  Does he have his own judicial and penal system he can use to punish Marcone and Baynard?  Why does he trust Joe more than the police?  Joe goaded him into a fight no more than 24 hours ago!

When they arrive at Joe’s house, everything seems normal.  That’s odd, since there was an explosion in front of the house within the last couple of days.  There’s no police tape, there are no investigators, there are no burns are on the ground, nothing.  It was the most innocuous explosion ever.  Jimmy walks into Joe’s house without being invited as if they were all chums.

The part at Joe’s house between him and his daughter seems like it was pulled from a much better movie – a drama about a family falling apart.  It’s the one time where Bruce Willis appears to be expressing an actual emotion.  Joe really seems upset at his daughter instead of walking around with that ridiculous chip on his shoulder.  The interchange between them is jarring and it feels serious and real, unlike anything else in the movie.  Also, somehow it’s funnier to watch Darian sass Jimmy than to see Joe do it.  I can’t explain why.   Of course, since it’s The Last Boy Scout, all of this comes against the backdrop of Joe not even bothering to ask his daughter if she’s OK with the fact that a man died in front of her house in a car bomb.

Luckily, Joe’s wife comes in to put the movie back on its terrible track.  Now, why she let Joe and her daughter scream expletives at each other for a few minutes before telling her to go to bed, I am not sure.  Maybe she was just waiting to see if Darian attacked her Dad for firing a gun at her mother earlier that day.

Rather than be dismayed by the dysfunction in front of him, Jimmy tells Joe a little story about his family dying that has no bearing on the plot or the character development.   Strangely, Joe knows everything about Jimmy’s football career but doesn’t know about the tragic death of his wife and son.

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Chapter 10: 55:21 – 58:34

Jimmy asks to use the bathroom, and while there attempts to snort come cocaine.  Joe catches him and punches him in the face and tells him to leave.  Jimmy tells Joe about what led him to drug use and how the League kicked him out for gambling.  Jimmy leaves and Darian is waiting outside for him.  She asks for an autograph, which he gives her, and she tells Jimmy how he was Joe’s hero when he was playing.

Analysis

Wow, Jimmy has some gall.  He cajoles Joe into eschewing the police and investigating Cory’s death, let’s Joe take the heat for yet another explosion, drives him home, invites himself in, interjects himself into Joe’s home life, helps himself to Joe’s liquor,  whines about his son, then decides he’s going to do some blow in his bathroom.  Joe, for his part, walks in on Jimmy in the bathroom without knocking.  What did he think Jimmy was doing in there that would make it acceptable to walk in without knocking?

Jimmy’s diatribe about what led him to drugs is ridiculous.  Ok, I get it the pressure of playing and dealing with injury and the death of your family, but how does he think that betting on the games in which he’s playing is acceptable?  I think Joe should have punched him again for saying that.  Jimmy figured that gambling on his own games is just the stress reliever he needed.

We see that Darian wants Jimmy’s autograph.  How did she get outside the house?  Did her mom tell her to go to bed then let her walk outside at night, after someone had died in a car bomb in front of the house!?  She says Joe thought Jimmy was the best quarterback he’d seen, so how does Joe not know about Jimmy’s family?  What was the point of that three minutes of film?

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Chapter 11: 58:35 – 1:02:34

The next day, Jimmy is driving and stops to pick up a paper.  Three men approach him, punch him, and throw him off an overpass.  Jimmy lands on a car, stands, makes a joke, and then falls unconscious.  Back at the police station, Lt. Bessalo is told of the attack on Jimmy by a fellow detective, Mick.  He is also told that Mike’s car was parked outside of Joe’s house all night.  Bessalo realizes that Mike was having an affair with Joe’s wife and thinks Joe killed Mike.  The other detective says he will bring Joe to the station.

At Joe’s house, Joe checks on his sleeping wife and daughter before hearing the doorbell.  He opens the door and Milo stuns him with a taser.  Milo and his men drag him out to their car, and as they are about to drive away. Mick, the detective, pulls in behind them.  Milo shoots the Mick with Joe’s gun, makes sure Joe’s fingerprints are on it, and then leaves the gun at the scene while driving off.

Analysis

This segment starts with another terrible cut. We last saw Jimmy at Joe’s house, and then Jimmy is assaulted. Is it the next day, next week, or what?  The film shows him in a different set of clothes driving down the street, so it’s at least one day later,  but there’s no sense of the lapsed time.

Then, the gangsters really step it up a notch in brazenness.  They attack Jimmy in broad daylight on a busy street, forcing cars to avoid them, and then throw him off an overpass into more traffic.  How do they think they’ll get away with this?  People are going to see their faces, their car, where they went, etc..  It’s a terrible plan.  What dystopian Los Angeles are these people living in where three goons can walk up to the former quarterback of the local professional team and throw him off a bridge without consequences?  And of all the ways to kill someone, dropping a person from a short height, with many eye witnesses, has to be at the back of The Killer’s Handbook.  Do they want every police officer in the city looking for them?

Lt. Bessalo is busy working on his golf swing even though there is a murder spree AND car bomb spree happening in his city.  Somehow he isn’t notified via phone that Jimmy, who was just involved in a multiple homicide, was attacked by three men in broad daylight.  He has to wait for his detective to come in and deliver the news personally.  Of course, that isn’t the big news to Lt. Bessalo.  He’s more interested in a quote from Joe’s neighbor about Mike’s car being parked outside Joe’s house. (So, the neighbor knew Mike’s car was outside all night, but Joe didn’t notice it when he came home?)  The police should have had this information minutes after they arrived on scene.  What terrible police work to have waited so long to interview the neighbors in a car bombing.  And of course, Bessalo jumps to the absolute wrong conclusion about Joe and ignores what is going to be a VERY high profile case of a football star almost being killed on the street.

Joe is either an early riser or his family likes to sleep in.  He was clearly up later than his wife and had been beaten and almost killed in an explosion the previous night.  Still, he wasn’t too tired to get up and do….what?  What was Joe doing up?   We already know he’s not going to the police with all the information he has about this murderous conspiracy.  No one has had or needed medical attention yet, regardless of injuries sustained. Why is his family sleeping in so late?  Jimmy left their house and drove somewhere, and then was up early enough to drive to pick up a paper and get attacked, then have the news make it back to Bessalo, then have  Mick drive out to Joe’s house and Joe’s family still sleeps!  I can only assume it’s a weekend. Or, given the previously mentioned poor editing, maybe this was weeks later.  We don’t know.

Once again the criminals are bold.  They ring Joe’s door and zap him with the taser.  What if his daughter answered the door?  What was their plan then?  Did they know Joe’s family would sleep in?  Maybe they drugged them to be sure!

The goons stuff Joe into the car and Mick shows how bad a detective he is.  He pulls up right as they are putting Joe in the car.  What does he do?  He walks up to the car without bothering to look in the back seat or to look at the hands of the people in the car.

Milo has a good line with, “Yes, this gun has too many bullets”, but then he does a terrible frame job.  He leaves the gun next to Mick (whom he doesn’t even make sure is dead) and speeds off.  I guess he assumes that stupid Lt. Bessalo will see the evidence and think “Ah ha!  Hallenback saw Mick driving up, walked out into the street, shot him from four feet away while standing in the street, then threw his gun down and fled the scene but left his car and family behind!”

The other problem with the frame job is just leaving the detective lying in the street.  At a minimum, someone in that neighborhood would have heard that gunshot and at least looked out the window to see a man lying in the street.  It’s also very likely someone would pass by and call for an ambulance, saving Mick’s life and allowing him to be a witness against Milo.

What’s the point of setting Joe up for it anyway?  What do they plan on doing with him?  He’ll be able to beat the murder charge when there is no powder residue on his hands or clothes, and he has a tell-tale burn on his chest from the taser.  Are the goons really going to let him get away given that he can identify them?  Since they are obviously going to have to kill him, why bother setting him up for the crime?  Take note also of the look on the face of the goon driving the car.  Milo fires a gun right in front of his face – like inches from his face.  He’s neither concerned, nor deafened, nor is he singed by the muzzle flash or irritated by the powder that would fly out.  He barely even blinks and has a look on his face like Milo just showed him a picture of an ugly pet.  Top-notch acting there.

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Chapter 12: 1:02:35 – 1:08:12

Joe is unconscious and has a flashback of when he saved the life of the President by stepping in front of him as a man tried to shoot him.  He also sees his daughter showing him a drawing she made for him.  He is then slapped in the face, waking him.  Two of the men who kidnapped Joe, Pablo and Chet, are watching him. Pablo is playing the piano, while Chet is slapping Joe.  Joe asks for a cigarette, Chet gives him one, and Chet punches him while lighting the cigarette.  Joe asks Chet for another cigarette and tells Chet that if he touches him again, he will kill him.  Chet punches him again and Joe jumps up and punches Chet in the nose, killing him.  Milo walks into the room and offers Joe a drink.  He also tells Joe  that killing Chet was a risk, as Pablo could have shot him.  He then tells Pablo to remove Chet’s corpse.  Shelly Marcone enters, asks Milo for a drink, and starts swimming from one end of the pool to the other, approaching Joe in the process.  Milo pistol whips Joe, who says he will kill Milo if Milo hits him again.  Milo hits him again.  Joe continues to smoke his cigarette.

At the police station, Lt. Bessalo interrogates Jimmy, asking him where Joe is.  Jimmy tells Bessalo about Marcone and Baynard, but Bessalo doesn’t believe him and threatens to charge him with obstruction.  Another detective asks Joe’s wife about Joe and her affair with Mike.  Jimmy calls a friend who gives him the address of Senator Baynard and tells Darian that he’ll find Joe.

Analysis

Great Jimmy Carter look-a-like for the President scene.  That’s something the movie makers did well.

There’s no reason for the bad guys to have brought Joe to Marcone’s house. That makes Marcone obviously guilty and you’d think these goons know that.  If Marcone is going to let Joe in on the plot, he can’t plan on keeping him alive.  If they’re going to kill Joe, why not do it in a nice public forum like when they attacked Jimmy and Cora?  Why bring him to where it creates a direct connection to Marcone?  One of the major benefits of using goons is not being directly involved in criminal activities and having plausible deniability.  Having goons bring people to you dimes you out.

Also, why does Marcone hire such incompetent goons?  Milo, for one, is worried about Joe’s ability but doesn’t bother to restrain him at all.  I guess they were relying on that super taser that kept Joe knocked out for the entire trip from his house to Marcone’s.  Maybe Joe and Marcone live in the same neighborhood.  Anyway, Chet is standing over Joe after Joe just threatened him and he’s unable to raise any sort of defense as Joe goes from a sitting position to a standing one and punches him in the nose.  He just stands there and lets Joe hit him.  Joe now has a one-on-one with Pablo, who is momentarily stunned, presumably at how bad a hand-to-hand combatant his former partner was.  Does Joe take advantage of this situation and attack Pablo and take Pablo’s gun?  No, he keeps smoking.  Nicotine is really addictive.

Marcone and his goons are quite inured to death, however.  Joe just killed a man with his bare hands and no one even bats an eyelash.  They just take him out like the garbage.  I guess they have contingency plans for disposing of the bodies of dead goons: “Just throw Chet into the goon disposal but be sure to run the water.”  Marcone must have grown up in a tough neighborhood because he just swims in his pool like nothing happened.

Then again, as bad as the police are, Marcone’s lack of concern is understandable.  Bessalo is asking Jimmy where Joe is.  Hey, Bessalo, how about you try to solve the case of the three guys who attacked Jimmy and threw him off an overpass?  Does Jimmy have a lawyer?  He should be suing the hell out of the police.  Jimmy is remarkably calm.  He should be responding to all the questions about Joe with “Fuck you, someone just tried to kill me!  I need some protection or help!  Where the hell is my lawyer?  What? Why don’t I have a lawyer, and why am I not in the hospital?”

Joe’s wife is really coming through for him, though.  She has a perfect opportunity to tell the police how he fired a gun in the bedroom.  They should know already since they should have searched his house when he went missing after becoming the suspect in a murder case. But, as we’ve seen, the police are nimrods.  They either didn’t search or didn’t notice a bullet hole in the wall.

Good work by Jimmy in finding where Baynard is.  Bad job of the front office staff for the LA Stallions, giving away private information to a disgraced former player.  What does Jimmy plan on doing when he gets to Baynard’s house and Baynard is most likely not there?

Finally, a moment on Milo.  If you remember, at the beginning of the movie, he makes the threatening phone call to Billy Cole, which leads to Cole’s shooting rampage on the field. Did Milo make that call at Marcone’s behest?  If he did, that would mean that Marcone, as the team owner, is paying Cole and that he’s hiring someone to bribe/threaten/blackmail Cole to play better.  That’s not very cost effective.  If Marcone didn’t order Milo to make that call, then Milo is going behind his employer’s back to threaten another employee.  Milo is pretty gutsy, in that case.

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Chapter 13: 1:08:12 – 1:11:50

Marcone talks to Joe, who guesses that Marcone is bribing senators to legalize gambling because the TV ratings for football are slipping. Marcone has bribed all the senators who are on the committee to decide on legalizing sports gambling, except Baynard.  Baynard wanted more money and threatened to turn Marcone into the police unless he received $6 million.  Instead, Marcone plans on killing Baynard and framing Joe for the murder.

Jimmy waits outside Baynard’s house and tries to decide what to do next.  As Jimmy thinks, Darian comes up to the car and says she hitchhiked to Baynard’s house after getting the address from a rubbing of the phone book in which Jimmy wrote down Baynard’s address.  She also brought a gun she stole from her dad’s closet.  Jimmy tells her to leave but she refuses and he agrees to let her accompany him as he follows Baynard’s bodyguards in his car, after they depart the house.

Analysis

I can’t believe this is only a three minute part of the movie.  It’s so full of implausibility that it must be a record.  Marcone contends that football ratings are down because the player salaries are so high.  That’s totally backwards.  If the teams were hurting for money, they couldn’t afford to keep paying the players and the fans never care about how much money a player makes.  Also, he references Joe Namath, who played in the NFL but Marcone’s team clearly is not in the NFL.   Maybe that’s why the ratings are down – he’s in a league that is being crushed by the NFL juggernaut.

Marcone’s plan is to legalize sports betting, but it was already legal in some states in 1991.  Also, illegal gambling is barely prosecuted so anyone who wants to bet on a game can.  Marcone is under the belief that people will watch the games more if they are allowed to legally gamble, when people can already gamble on games as much as they want.  How could someone so stupid become so rich?  Also, Milo, at a minimum, is already betting on the Stallions and is influencing the players without gambling being legal.  This plan is so stupid – how does Joe figure it out?  It’s an amazing leap of logic for him.

But wait, there’s more.  Somehow, Marcone bribed every Senator on the Sports Gambling Commission.  That’s going to be at least five Senators.  He didn’t just contribute to their campaigns. No, he flat out bribed them.  And, apparently, he did it all for less than $6 million. Also, it appears Marcone is poorly informed as to Senate regulations.  The people on the committees are appointed by the party leadership, so once Baynard is dead, he will be replaced by someone selected by the Senate Majority Leader.  That would mean that Marcone must have also paid off the Leader as well as another Senator, and if he already had the Leader on his payroll, he could just have Baynard removed as opposed to killing him. Also, once something is passed in committee, it has to be voted on by the Senate as a whole, and then the entire process starts again in the House of Representatives. So, Marcone would have to bribe a lot more than just five senators. Senators are generally wealthy people so why are they going to risk their political careers and prison time to help out one owner of a football team. That’s right, one owner. It’s not that all the owners are in it together, it’s just Marcone.

Not only is Marcone doing this by himself, but if the Senators are for sale, then he is also out-bidding everyone else who might care about the decision of the committee. He’s out-bidding Las Vegas, the Mafia, other professional sports, and anyone else who might be interested.  He’s doing all of this, including hiring incompetent goons to kill: a stripper (by shooting her and putting a bomb in only one of her two cars), a private detective, and a former player for his own team. Marcone is also paying them to frame yet another private detective for the murder of a Senator.  He’s going through all this trouble so the ratings on TV will increase and he can land one share, out of however many teams there are in his league, just one share of a new TV deal.  Come the fuck on.

Due to the poor editing, the scenes with Marcone and his pool are sandwiched around Jimmy at the police station. The way it’s edited, Marcone talks to Joe, gets in his pool on one side, and swims across, gets out of the pool on the side near Joe, and then has a conversation with Joe.  Why didn’t he walk over to Joe?  The other possibility is that he spoke to Joe, swam a few laps while Joe was held at gunpoint, and then filled Joe in on his plan.  That’s equally stupid.

This is topped, however, by the very next scene.  The police clearly have decided to let Jimmy go, because he’s next seen sitting outside of Baynard’s house.  What is the timeline here?  Jimmy was attacked in the morning, and yet he’s out of the hospital and done with the police interrogation before the afternoon. We know this because Baynard  says he is looking forward to going to the game that afternoon.  How is all of this happening so quickly?

Better yet, Darian followed him!

Here’s how she must have done it.  She gets a rubbing from contact paper out of the phone book, somehow.  She then walks out of the police station – yes a  girl whose mother is being questioned in a homicide just walks out of the police station. Outside the police station, she finds someone willing to pick up a  girl who is hitchhiking.  What kind of person is going to pick up a girl in front of the police station?  What kind of lie did she tell the driver? Even if a good Samaritan happened by, thinking Darian needed help, wouldn’t said Samaritan direct her to the police station behind her?  Not only does this bizarre good Samaritan/pedophile pick Darian up, but the person drives her exactly where she wants to go.  Now, I suppose it’s possible that this person was going by or from the police station and happened to be going right past the address she had scrawled on a piece of paper, but again, come the fuck on.

And how many guns does Joe own?  The police find one in front of his house that shot their fellow officer, but as we’ve stated before they must not have searched the house (why would they start being competent now?), because another gun was still there for Darian to grab.  That means when the police showed up at Joe’s house to take Joe’s wife and daughter to the police station, Darian decided she would need a gun and she grabbed it out of her dad’s closet with her mom either not knowing or giving her permission.  Darian then must have secreted the gun somewhere on her person all day until she decided to leave the police station.  Maybe she used the gun to coerce the good Samaritan to take her directly to Senator Baynard’s house. It’s that, or the good Samaritan took her home first so she could pick up the gun and then took her to Baynard’s house.  Or, she hitchhiked twice: once from the police station to her house and then again from one residential neighborhood to another.  People sure were friendly in LA in 1991.

Finally, Jimmy is unable to remove her from his car.  She’s a teenage girl and he’s a professional athlete, but somehow he can’t manage it. Of course, it’s probably not that nice a thing to do to put a girl out on the curb, even though she has shown the ability to hitchhike anywhere. Instead, he decides he’ll just take this girl along with him as he follows people he suspects kidnapped her father.

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Chapter 14: 1:11:50 – 1:17:00

The scene shifts to a forest where Baynard’s bodyguards are meeting with Marcone’s goons.  Milo has brought Joe there as well. Baynard’s men look into the back of Milo’s car and it contains a briefcase holding $6 million in cash.  Milo tells his men to frisk the bodyguard, saying he could be a cop.  While they do so and distract the bodyguard, the trunk swivels, swapping the briefcase with an identical briefcase.  Milo has Joe remove the new briefcase from the trunk and hand it to Baynard’s men. The bodyguards take the brief case and depart.  Milo tells Joe that the briefcase is full of C4 explosive and that Baynard’s own bodyguards will deliver it to Baynard.  Then, a photo of Joe handing the briefcase to the bodyguards will be sent to the police.

Jimmy and Darian have followed Baynard’s men and Jimmy goes to follow them on foot, telling Darian to stay in the car.  While he observes the scene with the briefcase, he is found by Marcone’s men.  They bring him to Milo who says both Jimmy and Joe should be killed.  Darian walks up with her puppet on her hand.  Joe says to remove the kid but Milo says she stays.  She makes her puppet talk and then hands it to her father, asking him if he can make it talk.  Joe dons the puppet, making jokes about the men around him then shoots them, with the gun Darian had secreted in it.  Jimmy helps shoot more goons and Joe, Jimmy, and Darian run away through the woods as Milo’s men shoot at them.

Analysis

The frisking plus briefcase swap is a good idea, although the search they perform wouldn’t uncover an undercover police officer.  It raises the question, however, of why Joe doesn’t alert them of the switch.  He has to know Milo isn’t going to let him live, so why risk letting Baynard die, along with everyone else who might be around him at the time of the explosion?  What kind of Boy Scout is that?  Does he really want Baynard to die? Marone’s whole stupid plan is to kill a senator with a bomb (where are they getting all these military grade explosives?) so that they can legalize gambling on football, and yet, they put Joe in a position where he can thwart it by saying, “Hey, they switched the cases!”.  And if he’s so famously a pain in Baynard’s side, why don’t Baynard’s bodyguards recognize him and ask what the hell he’s doing there? That should be a red flag for the security personnel.

There are more reasons why this bomb plot is facile. What if the bodyguards check the suitcase before taking it to the Senator?  $6 million is something to see.  Maybe they want to count it to make sure there is actually the right amount and they aren’t blamed for skimming.  Or, alternatively, maybe they want to skim or steal all of the money. What if those two aren’t around when the explosion takes place?  So much for Milo’s plan to frame Joe, when the bodyguards, who aren’t dead, talk about the Marcone deal with the police.  How is the C4 in the suitcase going to be detonated? Is it on a timer or was it just set to blow up when it was opened?  Do they have a remote detonator?  All these detonation scenarios are problematic. I guess the bad guys are relying on the obsessive, inept LAPD to accept the damning photo without investigating it at all.  That might work, but when a sitting US Senator is killed by a bomb at a sporting event, I think the FBI might show up.  I’m certain they’ll examine this anonymously mailed photograph and ask questions like “Whose car is this with the briefcase being removed by Joe?  ” and “Who took this picture?” and “Where is this Hallenback guy now?”

Here’s the biggest problem with the bomb plan – it’s going to ruin Marcone’s main business.  He is worried about attendance at games and he’s going to detonate a bomb in his own stadium, in a luxury box.  How catastrophic it is going to be for A) his league and B) for his team in particular?  If you think that over paid players are going to turn off fans, try killing the senior senator from your state along with everyone in his box, and probably a lot of people in the stands, during a game.  At the end of the movie (spoiler alert) the explosion is massive.  If it took place in a luxury box there would be mass casualties.  This movie was made before 9/11/2001, but even back in 1991 they should know that a bomb in a stadium is bad.  It would be considered a terrorist attack, the FBI would descend upon the LA Stallion’s entire organization, and I don’t think Marcone wants that kind of attention.  Or maybe he does.  Maybe he’s paid off all of the FBI as well as half a dozen US senators.

Milo and Joe’s repartee is trite but not entirely terrible. Yet it’s followed by another inexplicable moment when Milo, who ostensibly sent goons to kill Jimmy and is betting on football games, doesn’t seem to recognize Jimmy. Maybe he just reads the box scores and doesn’t know the players. Milo’s goons spot Jimmy hiding and yet miss Darian walking right up to them.  I think maybe she’s a ninja or the invisible woman, because she can walk around unseen in any situation.  The goons continue their poor work by not recognizing her as Joe’s daughter.  Don’t they do any research?  If she had opened the door at Joe’s house would they have assumed they had the wrong address?  How could her appearance not raise their suspicion?  Already, an ex-quarterback shows up in the woods and now a little white girl.  Did they just think she’s one of the mythical Southern California Puppet Nymphs that travel the forest entertaining hoodlums with shitty hand puppets?  They aren’t surprised that a little girl comes up to 15 strange men, some of which are pointing guns at each other?

Nope, they’re amused.  They let her walk up to Joe and hand him something.  Then they watch in bemused amazement as Joe performs an impromptu puppet show making fun of the goons.  The goons love it!  Joe is like the nitrous oxide for goons – they can’t resist laughing. He’s Goon-nip! In fact, they are so enthralled at his puppetry that they don’t even bother to point their guns at him anymore.  I don’t know why Joe even bothers to make them laugh instead of just shooting them as soon as he had the puppet-gun.  Maybe he figured he’d let them die smiling.  Also, I don’t know how he was able to have the puppet upright, manipulate the mouth, and hold a gun at the same time.  Maybe he was using the gun to make the puppet talk.  Somewhere in this, Joe picks up a second gun and starts firing both while running. The scene where Joe acquired the second gun must have been cut out in another poor editing job.

Then it’s on to the standard bad-guys-can’t-shoot, good-guys-can’t-miss as Joe kills a few of the goons and no one can hit him, Jimmy, or Darian as they run.  At this point, Joe, Darian, and Jimmy are dead meat.  How are they going to escape?  The goons have superior numbers, they have cars, they have more ammunition and weapons, and they can just follow Joe and Jimmy until someone gets in a lucky shot and brings them down.  Or, if the heroes are running to a car, which makes sense because they had to get to the woods somehow, then they can just wait until they get into the car and shoot them dead there, or block the road.  Let’s see how the bad guys close the trap around our heroes.

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Chapter 15: – 1:17:01 – 1:20:00

Joe, Jimmy, and Darian are driving away from the woods in Jimmy’s car.  They are being chased by Milo and his men.  Joe drives and hands the gun he grabbed from Milo’s henchman to Jimmy and tells him to shoot at the bad guys.  Jimmy does, and the bad guys return fire.  Joe runs one of the cars off the road, but Milo’s car manages to push Joe’s car and they both go off the road.  Both cars go down a steep cliff face.  Joe’s car lands on a dirt road, and then crashes through a fence and into some trees. Milo’s car lands on top of a pool house, ramps in the air, and lands upside down in a pool.  Milo jumps out before the car crashes.  Once the car hits the pool, it bursts into flame.

Joe, Jimmy, and Darian walk up to the burning car and Joe shoots it several times to make sure everyone in it is dead.  Then he shoots the trunk to open it and removes the briefcase with the $6 million.  Joe tells the owner of the house to call the police and Joe says he will shoot Darian if the man does not give him the keys to his car. Jimmy and Joe leave in the man’s car.  As the man is on the phone with the police, Milo returns and shoots him in the head.

Analysis

So, how did our heroes escape their perilous situation?  Who knows?  The movie just goes right to a bizarre cut that shows them jumping over the camera in Jimmy’s car.  What a terrible cut.  It is jarring and confusing since it doesn’t show how the heroes escape their prior predicament.  At least it prevents us from having the discussion of how they escaped the woods on foot.  Instead, it leads us to the discussion of how they escape their pursuit in cars.

Joe gives Jimmy the mystery gun that he somehow procured and Jimmy shoots at the cars following him.  Somehow, with one bullet he manages to blow off the canvas top to his convertible.  I’m really curious as to what kind of round was in the weapon that didn’t just blow a bullet sized hole in the plastic or canvas of the top.  This magic bullet (get it, it’s a Secret Service reference) has force that is spread out and powerful enough to push the top and break it from whatever was holding it to the car.  Or maybe Jimmy shot it in some weak spot.

As they are driving away from the bad guys, we see Milo’s two cars right behind each other.  Joe does a slow turn where Milo’s car decided not to ram him for some reason, and then the other car is way behind.  It’s so far behind that Joe has a chance to drive towards it and make it swerve off the road.  Is there an Academy Award for “Lowest Achievement in Editing”? The driver presumably knows he’s driving on a road with a deadly fall to one side and no guard rail and that they are trying to prevent Joe from escaping.  Still, he doesn’t just ram Joe and prevent the escape, he instead chooses to just drive off to his death.  Is this what passes for goonery in LA? It’s disgraceful.

Next, Milo pulls up next to Joe and they go careening off the side of a cliff.  Joe appears to do this on purpose, using the brakes to slow them down so they just tip over the side as opposed to flying off.  He even tells his passengers to put their seat belts on, even though he gives them no time to do that.  Milo is in on it, however, as his driver also slows down so that they go over the edge at the same time.  That’s some fine stunt work as the drivers go side by side down a cliff face.

Now miracles start to happen.  Even though no one is wearing their seatbelts, neither Joe, nor Jimmy, nor Darian are ejected from the now topless vehicle as it bounces at a high speed down the hill.  When Joe’s car hits the ground, they are not ejected, and even when they slam into the tree they are still sitting in the car.  I guess their momentum is somehow different than the car, even though it would have been pushing them along the entire time.  Inertia, you say?  Joe Hallenback doesn’t believe in inertia!  He is so certain they are ok that he asks them in a cursory manner if they’re ok before stepping out of the car.  Notice also, that he now has the gun that Jimmy had before they went over the side and that no one unbuckled their seat belts.  I guess Jimmy was able to hand it to him while Joe was driving down the side of a cliff without seatbelts to hold them down.  Also, notice how little damage that car has suffered from striking that dirt road.

More than that, notice how the bad guys’ car defied gravity.  It went off the road at the same time as Joe’s car but lands a full 15 seconds later.  Also, it seemed to have missed the dirt road and fence, even though it was 3 feet from Joe’s car to start, and it ramps off the roof of some house.  Its momentum isn’t stopped like Joe’s indestructible car when it smashes at an acute angle to the ground.  Instead, it is somehow now parallel to the ground keeping its speed so that it can ramp off the roof.  Milo is able to leap from the car while it’s at least 15 feet in the air and not be injured.  This action must have upset the delicate balance of the car as does a barrel roll in the air, and then lands upside down.  Not only does it do this impossible feat in midair, but it also lands by dropping straight down.  So the car flipped in midair, then came to a dead stop, and having lost angular momentum fell straight down and landed in the pool.  Then it burst into flame.  It didn’t burst into flame immediately upon impact, but something made it explode.  My guess is it was the pool water.  Everyone knows that pool water is highly combustible and is used as an accelerant for explosives.  That’s why fire departments never use pool water to combat a fire.

Joe must have been more shaken up by the crash than it appears, because he asks the owner of the house for his car keys instead of the phone.  He lets Jimmy shout at the man to call the police.  Joe was in the Secret Service, but he just let two bodyguards deliver a bomb to their protectee and thus go to their deaths because… maybe they would kill his nemesis, the foul Senator Baynard?  Regardless, why is he choosing to NOT warn the police that there is a bomb about to go off in a stadium full of people?  That would incite a panic and all sorts of innocent people will be hurt or die.  He should know that the best thing to do is to call 911 or the FBI and inform them of the bomb.  He should know that he needs to give the authorities the most detailed information he can because they can reach the stadium first.  Hell, they can call the security there.  As a Boy Scout, does he do this?

No.  Instead he decides to walk up and shoot the car a few times, then shoot open the trunk and steal the $6 million.  Once again, people open trunks in LA by shooting them. He then chooses to steal the guy’s car, using his own daughter as a fake hostage.  When he puts the gun to her head, he has his finger on the trigger and the hammer cocked back.  The slide isn’t locked back so the weapon must still be charged with a live round.   Of course, he obviously doesn’t care about his daughter because he leaves her with a half-naked old man.

Milo survives without a scratch, even though he has blood on him from some unknown source.

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Chapter 16: 1:20:00 – 1:24:03

Joe and Jimmy speed after Baynard’s bodyguards in the car they took from the man into whose house they crashed.  They spot the car on the highway and argue about how to alert the bodyguards. Jimmy holds up a sign he made that says “Bom” and yells at the guards.  They roll down the window and one of them shoots at Jimmy, just missing him.  They lose track of the car and the guards take an off-ramp.  Joe stops his car, runs to the side of the overpass and fires at the bodyguards’ car.  He hits a tire and the car goes out of control.  Joe jumps down to the car and shoots the driver as he exits the vehicle.  Jimmy drives up and he and Joe take the briefcase with the explosives and some weapons from the car.

Milo calls the phone in Baynard’s bodyguards’ car and tells Joe he has his daughter and that he’s heading to the football game.  Joe decides to get Marcone and then goes to the game.

Analysis

How in the nine hells did Joe and Jimmy catch up to the bodyguards?  Those guys had like a ten minute head start.  How does Jimmy not know how to spell “bomb”?  Did he go out in the backyard as a kid, or in high school, or college, or even in the pros and practice throwing long “bom”s to receivers?  Where were these bodyguards trained that their response to some jerk holding up a sign is to just shoot him? “That’s not how you spell ‘bomb’, eat lead!”  Where did the bullet go?  It clearly goes through the passenger window of Joe and Jimmy’s stolen car but doesn’t go through the driver’s side window.  Did it lose velocity after puncturing the window and drop in Joe’s lap?  Joe and Jimmy were right beside the bodyguard’s car when they were shot at and then seconds later they’re four car lengths behind. More terrible editing.

Joe tells Jimmy that the bodyguards’ car has bulletproof glass and then proceeds to shoot at it.  He does this with the gun that he stole from the bad guys, which he has now fired some 20 times without a reload.  He hits the tires, which are apparently not bulletproof, and the car careens out of control.  I guess these bodyguards have no driver’s training.  Then Joe jumps down a 20-foot high overpass onto hard-packed dirt without injury.  Somehow, Jimmy has backtracked through traffic and come down the exit ramp.  He’s also the only one, as there are no other cars coming down that ramp to look at the overturned car and the man with a gun.

Speaking of the gun, what was Joe’s plan in brandishing it at the bodyguards?  These guys have done him no harm, they’re just protecting the senator’s life. Why does this senator need armed guards and a bulletproof car?  Joe runs up on them with a gun, provoking a shoot-out.  Then he shoots the guard multiple times and leaves him bleeding to death on the side of the road while he loots his car.  What kind of Boy Scout merit badge is that?

The bulletproof car apparently doesn’t have locked doors, as they are open allowing Joe to enter and remove all of the shotguns from the back seat.  Isn’t that where the senator sits?  “Where to, Senator?  Oh, sorry about that, just push those shotguns and explosives out of the way.”  Also, if the “shredders” explode on impact, why didn’t they explode when they were thrown around the back of the car?

Why would Joe or Jimmy answer the carphone?  Did they plan on telling whoever called that they had murdered the driver of the car?  Joe’s plan is to take Marcone.  How about you CALL THE POLICE!!!!?

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Chapter 17: 1:24:03 – 1:31:15

Joe and Jimmy drive to the LA Coliseum.  They park next to Marcone’s car, which Jimmy keys.  They avoid the police at the stadium and Jimmy gets them into the tunnels.  They pass the Stallions players, and the lineman from the pool at the beginning of the movie confronts Jimmy, but Jimmy puts a shotgun to his face, and he leaves Jimmy alone.  Joe and Jimmy make it to Marcone’s office and he is waiting for them with Darian.  Marcone tells them that Milo is going to shoot the Senator with a rifle.  Marcone taunts them and then shoots Jimmy in the hand and pistolwhips Joe.  Marcone tells his cronies to kill Joe and Jimmy but Joe talks about the $6 million, saying he can take Marcone to it.  He also says he has the tape of Baynard and Marcone talking about legalizing gambling and he will send it to the Mafia.  Marcone doesn’t believe him.  Jimmy acts like he is fighting with Joe, and tells Marcone that he has the money in a locker and will give Marcone the key.  He says the key is in his pants and grabs one of the shredders.  He throws it into the fire and it explodes.  Joe and Jimmy grab the shotguns and kill Marcone’s cronies, but Marcone escapes.  Jimmy and Joe take Darian and leave Marcone’s office.

Analysis

Marcone is actually smart for once, not believing Joe’s bluff.  I bet he wouldn’t even have laughed at Joe’s bad jokes.  It’s somewhat believable that the staff would let Jimmy into the stadium for free, but it’s highly unlikely.  The team would have severed its ties with him and I’m sure they wouldn’t want a guy who was banned and kicked out of the league hanging around the team.  I guess the security guard values his friendship with Jimmy over his job.

The scene with the lineman in the hallway is preposterous.  We are to believe that Jimmy puts a shotgun to his nose and he just shrugs and runs out onto the field.  Why didn’t that guy run and find security?  That place should be crawling with security once the lineman reported that a disgruntled ex-player was brandishing a shotgun.  Joe and Jimmy make it to Marcone’s office without incident, but we can assume everyone is so enamored with Jimmy they just let him go wherever he wants.

I don’t know why Marcone chose to shoot Jimmy in the hand or why he carries a gun at all.  I also can’t figure out why Marcone’s parking spot is so far from the stadium and how anyone can just drive up and park next to him.

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The Last Boy Scout (Finale Part 1) by NakedBrotha2007


Chapter 18 1:31:16 – 1:34:22

Marcone leaves the stadium and sees the white BMW, which Joe and Jimmy stole, parked next to his car.  He shoots out the window and grabs the briefcase from the backseat.  Jimmy shows Joe where Baynard’s box seats are.  Joe figures out that Milo must be positioned behind the stadium lights and he tells Darian to find a cop and stay with that officer.  He tells Jimmy to find Baynard.  Joe is spotted by two officers but he beats them up and continues as the football game is played on the field.

Jimmy goes down to the field but is confronted by the lineman from earlier who now has several police officers with him.  To escape them, Jimmy mounts a horse and rides it out onto the field.  He gets the game ball from one of the players.  He yells at Senator Baynard but the Senator doesn’t hear him.  Jimmy throws the ball at the Senator and hits him in the face just as Milo’s bullet is about to kill the Senator.  Jimmy throws his hands up in victory and rides the horse around the field.

Analysis

We’ll start small here and finish with the second most famous and most preposterous scene in the film.  Where is Marcone going?  I can only assume he’s headed for the airport because he is going to be arrested.  The police are going to look for him once the senator is killed and Jimmy and Joe are able to talk to someone other than Lt. Bessalo and spill all the beans about the plan.  Why didn’t Marcone call Milo off?  The jig is up!  Of course he has to take the case with the bomb in it.  I wonder how that will turn out. Let’s hope no innocent bystanders will be killed in the explosion. That bomb shouldn’t even be in the car. Joe should have taken that to the bomb technicians instead of bringing it to a crowded sporting event and leaving it in the parking lot.  Finally, Marcone is the owner of the local football team, and thus probably a recognizable person in the area.  Yet, he decided to fire a gun in the parking lot of the stadium where his team plays.

Joe, father of the year, once again leaves his daughter unattended after she just watched several men shot to death and one man die by immolation.  This is mere hours after he left her alone and she was kidnapped.  He tells her “I’m gonna be alright.”  Great for you Joe, how is she feeling?  When Joe is confronted by the police, he tries to tell them about the sniper and they don’t listen.  However, once he has subdued them he could, and should, grab their radios and make the call.  Instead he is worried about getting to the lights, which are on because even though it’s an afternoon game, it looks like nighttime.  Editing.

Jimmy is now running around with a hole in his hand, somehow not in shock, and he has the wherewithall to remember where Baynard’s box is and to show Joe to it.  Why isn’t he trying to find a doctor?  Or, if his job is to alert Baynard, why doesn’t he find a police officer or security person and have them alert the Senator?  One phone call or radio message and the day is saved.  While he’s doing that, he could also mention there is a man with a rifle near one of the lighting arrays.  Instead, he decides to head down to the field. He heads DOWN to the field, not UP to the level where the luxury boxes are. Maybe he is in shock.

Yet somehow, Jimmy makes it right to the field.  The entire security apparatus at sporting events is designed to prevent people from making it to the playing surface, however no one even bothers to challenge a disgruntled ex-player who is bleeding from a hole in his hand and who has threatened another player with a shotgun minutes earlier.  He walks up to the field and is finally confronted by his old friend the lineman, who now has a posse of police officers.  For some reason, the lineman is limping, which implies he was hurt during the game.  That would mean he was accosted by Jimmy in the hallway, then he went out and played in the game, injured his leg or foot, and then decided that since he was now injured he would contact security.  Once he made up his mind to do this, he managed to find five uniformed officers with shotguns on the field.  Either that or he was able to summon them to the field.  I have admittedly never been to an LA Stallions game so maybe I don’t know that it’s common for the police to have shotguns on the field during a game.

That brings us to Jimmy’s big bullshit moment.  Jimmy is able to avoid the police and wrest control of the stallion mascot.  He then mounts it and starts riding it onto the field, after doing a little dressage over the bench.  I really enjoy how they show the horse’s handler having a hard time with it, like they just brought some wild horse down to the field.  I’ll accept that perhaps Jimmy has a lot of horse riding experience and on a good day he could ride a horse without a saddle and perform jumps and such.  I will not accept that he can wrap his right hand around the reins.  There is a big ass bullet hole in it.  How can he possibly make a fist?  It’s not an issue of pain endurance; the tendons, muscles, and nerves necessary to make a fist would have been destroyed.  He physically couldn’t do it.

Jimmy is then allowed to ride out onto the field.  Again, no one tries to stop him and he is able to ride up to a player and ask for the ball.  He’s an idiot for thinking Baynard can hear him, but he yells at him anyway.  Once he finaly realized Baynard can’t hear him, he throws a football and hits Baynard in the face just before the bullets strike.  This is so laughable it makes you wonder if this movie hasn’t been a comedy all along.  A strong armed quarterback who was in perfect health, standing on the field couldn’t throw a football into the box seats.  It’s a long way and it’s elevated.  Jimmy has a hand that can’t even grip a football and would be sending such overpowering pain responses to him that he wouldn’t even want to hold it.  Yet, he still grips it.  He’s on horseback so he can’t plant his foot like anyone would while throwing a ball.  Hell, he’s not even standing up in the stirrups.  He doesn’t even use the momentum of the horse to help the throw. No, he comes to a complete stop.  Not only does he throw it that far, but he’s able to hit Baynard in the face.  That is unbelievable accuracy, and I mean unbelievable literally, as in I don’t believe it and neither should you.  Not only does he make this accurate throw from a great distance, it appears it was on a line and a tight spiral.  That means it would have travelled twice as far as the box seats, if Baynard’s head had not intervened.  Jimmy just threw a ball that would have traveled something like 150 yards in the air.  I also don’t believe that Baynard didn’t dodge out of the way.  He was looking at Jimmy and pointing, so he must have seen him throw the ball.  Why didn’t he put his hands up or something?  Maybe he was amazed at how far Jimmy threw a football from horseback.  “Wait, is that Jimmy Dix?  Is he throwing a football? Is he throwing it at me? Son of a bitch, that ball’s going to hi- WHAM!”

Finally, how does that stop Milo from killing the senator?  He’s shooting at him from basically a head-on position.  Just look at the scene where he has Baynard in the crosshairs.  Even if Baynard’s head goes back (and to the left?) from the impact of the football, the bullet would still travel through the ball and into Baynard’s face.  Maybe Jimmy deflected the bullet with this bulletproof football and hitting Baynard in the face was just a little extra.  Notice also that there is a uniformed officer in Baynard’s booth.  Joe or Jimmy could have ended this before it happened if either had just attempted to contact someone.

One last note, what kind of rifle is Milo using?  He fires a burst at Baynard.  He’s also firing shoulder-mounted.  What kind of sniper rifle is shoulder-mounted and fires a burst?  Couldn’t the prop department come up with something better?

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The Last Boy Scout (Finale Part 2) by NakedBrotha2007


Chapter 19: 1:34:23 – 1:36:27

As Jimmy rides around on the field, Milo fires at him but only hits the ground.  The crowd starts to panic as Milo shoots.  Joe has managed to get above Milo and he surprises him by dropping from above and kicking him.  Milo shoots at Joe but misses. Milo’s shots hit the chainlink fence near them, and Joe has to hang on as it comes free and swings him into the lights.  A police helicopter approaches and officers order Milo to drop his weapon.  Milo opens fire on the helicopter and shoots one of the officers.  Milo and an officer on the helicopter exchange fire until Milo runs out of ammunition.

Joe has climbed back up to Milo’s level and he has Milo’s bag, with the ammunition.  He throws the bag aside and Milo throws the rifle at him.  Joe catches it and Milo pulls out a knife as police officers gather behind Joe.  Joe hits Milo in the leg with the rifle butt and Milo stabs Joe in his leg.  Joe disarms Milo and repeatedly punches him in the face, reminding him he said he’d kill him.  He finally kicks him and the police shoot Milo.  Milo falls off the platform and into the rotor blades of the helicopter, chopping Milo into bits.  Joe dances as the crowd looks at him on the big screen and cheers.

Analysis

What is Milo doing?  Baynard is still in his booth and is not taking cover, and Jimmy is presumably out of footballs to throw.  Just shoot him again!  No, instead he decides to open fire on Jimmy who is much farther away and is erratically riding around in a crowd on a horse.  Also, Milo is not even trying to keep the gun steady as he fires rounds haphazardly downfield.  As is expected, Milo can’t hit Jimmy, although he is able to hit the ground near the horse’s hooves.  Amazingly, he doesn’t hit anyone at all.  He fires burst after burst after Jimmy as Jimmy rides through a crowd but Milo only hits the ground.  Also, the ground he hits is covered with discarded tin cans for reasons I can’t imagine.

Luckily, Milo stops trying to murder everyone on the field long enough to realize Joe has climbed above him.  Joe could have just climbed up to Milo’s level and saved some time (and possibly several lives) but I guess he figured attacking from above and behind is better than just from behind.  Milo, who has been firing what sounds like 5-6 round bursts from a normal magazine, still hasn’t reloaded, but he has plenty of rounds left to fire aimlessly at Joe.  He misses from about ten feet because he can’t hit ANYTHING with that rifle, except the tiny little chainlinks on the fence. Joe’s body weight overcomes three sides of the fence that were, I guess shot, but luckily the bottom part is affixed with sterner stuff and can act as a fulcrum for Joe to swing.  Interesting how he jumped from behind the lights, down to the platform, then falls into the lights.  The next time he makes it up to the platform, there are no lights above him.

Where did that helicopter come from?  Do they have a helicopter flying around the stadium on game days with two officers armed with rifles?  If so, why?  They sure can’t shoot, as Milo kills one before the other can open fire.  Neither Milo nor the officer on the chopper can hit the other, even though they’re both stationary targets.  Great camaraderie by the chopper pilot – maneuvering his one officer into place while his other officer is dangling below him, bleeding,  even though a S.W.A.T. team is in position to aggress Milo.

Joe whups Milo’s ass, finally. Right as Milo is physically beaten, tired, has an injured leg and wrist and can’t stop Joe from repeatedly punching him and kicking him in the chest, the S.W.A.T. team guns him down in cold blood.   They just execute him.  Milo has no weapon, having been disarmed by Joe, and he was no threat whatsoever, but they open fire anyway.  In a great bit of marksmanship, they are able to shoot Milo as he is falling off the platform. However, judging from the angle of the blood coming out of his back, it looks like they shot him from the sky.  Maybe they ricocheted the bullets off the metal stanchion for fun.  Of course, that’s not stupid enough for this movie.  No, Milo has to fall into the blades of the helicopter.  This is the same helicopter that just stopped shooting at Milo before he ran out of ammunition and just decided to veer away suddenly instead of neutralizing the threat or keeping the spotlight on him for the other shooters.  Maybe they were going to take the wounded officer to someplace safe for medical attention.   Wait, no, they just hovered below.

Listen to the crowd reaction.  They just say “aww” like someone missed an extra point, instead of seeing a man chopped into tiny parts above them.

For that matter, what is the crowd doing there?  Those are some dedicated Stallions/murder fans.  There’s a man riding a horse on the field and he’s being chased by shotgun wielding police officers. There is a maniac up in the lights literally spraying bullets onto the field, into the crowd, and at a helicopter. The police are shooting at said maniac. Yet the crowd paying rapt attention to the fistfight at the lights, instead of running for the exits.  Maybe they’re amazed that there is a camera angle that can film the action from the same level as the highest part of the stadium.  Maybe it’s the famed LA Coliseum flagpole cam.  No, instead of running for their lives, they cheer as Joe dances minutes after being stabbed in the leg with a knife.  Must have been a flesh wound.  Hell, even the two opposing teams are standing on the field with the cheerleaders laughing it up. They were just treated to the eye-pleasing spectacle of a man being diced into pieces by a helicopter.  And they were able to see a few cops get shot as a bonus! Any given Sunday, right?

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Chapter 20: 1:36:28 – The end

Joe walks with Darian asking her about her drawing from the beginning of the movie as Senator Baynard approaches with some officers and tells them Joe was the man who made threatening phone calls and tells the police to arrest him.  Joe tells Darian to go away and he asks the Senator head or gut, before punching him in both.   Joe’s wife Sarah arrives and Darian runs up to her.  Sarah sends Darian back to Jimmy and tells Joe she is sorry and says she’ll buy a dog.  Joe smiles and says “Fuck You, Sarah”.  She is happy to finally get a reaction from him and she hugs him.

Lt. Bessalo arrives and inquires as to the location of the briefcase he had been told about.  Joe tells him it’s in the white BMW in the back seat.  Bessalo checks and finds the briefcase – the one with the money – in the trunk.  Joe and Jimmy laugh as Marcone has the wrong suitcase.  Marcone opens the briefcase and it explodes, creating a fireball so large that it can be seen from the stadium.  The heroes continue to laugh as the scene shifts to Joe’s house.

Joe is playing with Darian and she wants to show Jimmy to her friends.  She speaks smartly to Joe and he tells her to watch her mouth.  Sarah backs him up and Darian is cowed.  Joe talks to Jimmy about being his partner and they have some repartee before the credits roll.

Analysis

How is Joe allowed to stroll around the police cars?  WHY IS NO ONE ASKING HIM QUESTIONS!??  He should be in some interrogation room explaining everything.  He should be explaining that Marcone was behind all of it and someone should go arrest him.  He should explain  about the bomb in the parking lot – you know, the one he left in the car right by all those ambulances and innocent people. and which is sitting in a car near $6 million in cash.  He should explain why he should need medical attention for having been stabbed in the leg even though he’s barely limping.  He should explain the mayhem he created on the highway and the two bodyguards he murdered.

Jimmy is no worse for the wear, as they have him sitting in the back of an ambulance, just applying a new dressing.  Come on, EMT’s! That guy needs surgery or he is never going to be able to use his hand again.  No, instead he’s there to babysit Darian while Joe assaults Baynard.  He should be screaming at the paramedics to be taken to a trauma center so he can have his hand fixed and avoid the weapons and assault charges from the big lineman, unless that lineman was killed by a stray bullet.

Baynard, for his part, must be punch drunk.  Someone tried to shoot him and yet he is just walking alone with some random police officers trying to find Joe so he can accuse him of prank calling him.  Honestly Senator, isn’t this a pretty piss poor time for that?  Then the police just let Joe punch the senator twice without taking action against him.  How does that happen?  Where does the senator go afterwards?  He’s off-camera so he just accepts being punched?  I’d think he’d really want Joe arrested for battery and he’d be right!

Sarah comes up and she actually apologizes.  Man, what a pushover.  Here’s what she should have said:

“Joe, you asshole!  Where the hell have you been and why did you keep leaving our daughter alone with strangers?  I’m glad I cheated on you! I want a divorce.  Lt. Bessalo!  Lt. Bessalo! This man, my soon to be ex-husband, fired a gun at me yesterday morning.  I’d like him arrested, after you arrest him for punching a man without provocation.  I’d also like you to throw in child endangerment charges.”

Instead she apologizes and Joe says the rudest possible thing to her because she asked him to in a moment of anger, earlier in the movie.  I guess it shows he was listening, but goddamn that is rude.  How about “I’m sorry also, Sarah, I love you.”  No, Joe can admit no wrong.

For example, he can’t admit he was wrong for bringing the people he knows and loves within a few feet of a bomb.  He knew it was in the car, and he sits there within explosion’s reach.  So does Jimmy for that matter.  How incredibly selfish and dangerous these two are.  Then they realize Marcone has the bomb and they laugh.  The nerve!  They laugh.  Ha ha, he’s going to die and so will everyone around him.  Ha ha, death is funny.  At least Bessalo didn’t open the BMW’s trunk by shooting it.

Marcone deserves to die, though.  He is obviously going to be visited by law enforcement any minute as his involvement in this murder and several others is now going to be made known.  He should have driven his car from the stadium directly to Mexico or to a private plane.  Instead, he returns home to pack.  What a simpleton. He’s a millionaire.  He can buy new clothes. He opens the case and a giant explosion ensues.  I mean, this is an epic explosion.  They can see it from the stadium, which according to Google maps and some guessing based on the appearance of the Griffith Observatory in the background is about 8 miles away.  Of course, that fireball is about 100 feet high so I guess it would be visible.  All that from ten pounds of C4.

The heroes see the explosion and again they laugh.  Ha ha, he’s dead and so is everyone around his house.  Even Sarah gets in on the act, having no idea.  She just sees Joe and Jimmy yucking it up and figures a titanic explosion in Los Angeles must be a laughing matter.  Hee hee, maybe LOTS of people died, but I don’t care because my husband said he would spit in my face if the police weren’t there.

Finally we see Joe try to recruit Jimmy to work for him.  Of course he won’t work for Joe.  He’s rich.  Why would he live Joe’s shitty life?  At least Darian has more respect for Joe now.  I guess knowing that at any moment your father might leave you alone with a strange man makes you a little more obedient.  They finish with a little bit about catchphrases from movies.  How dare they?  They mock the Terminator, which was a great movie.  Maybe they should have said something about yippee ki yay motherfucker, or did that hit too close to home?

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